Dear Jesus: why am I so fucking dumb

I have a very funny story to tell today! It begins as I leave work (I work at subway in town it is exciting.) I realise that I do not have my wallet! It is 5 minutes until my train though and I have all the tickets in my pockets so I figure I will just carry on home and pick up my stuff in town the next day. It was as I was alighting the train I realised that my house keys were attached to my wallet and, since my parents are away at a crazy party in Yorkshire, I have no way to get into the house without my keys.

For reasons I still do not fully understand I continued on my journey home (there was a big car crash at the top of my village incidentally). I guessed that there would be a window open on my house or something. It should not need mention that when I arrived home, no windows at all were open. After tugging ineffectually at a couple (of windows) I decided to try the skylights in the sewing room. I cannot remember a time when these were closed. I took the ladders from the garage and leaned them tentatively against the conservatory and pantry (keep in mind I fucking hate ladders and other things I can fall off). I climbed up the ladders and crawled up the leading on the roof. The skylights were closed. Also, on the way back down the ladders started slipping left a bunch (this is one of the worst feelings you can ever experience) but I caught onto the roof and did some fucking magic or something so I am not dead/in A&E.

After this event I admitted defeat and was faced with the prospect of going back to Shrewsbury to get my wallet and keys (keeping in mind I had no money b/c my wallet was in Shrewsbury). It was 6:30. I was determined to get the train at 7:10 from Gobowen and so I ran like a mile of the way and the train dude let me on with like a return ticket going the wrong way. The rest of the story is pretty dull; i got my wallet back and bought some chocolate and went home and sung some songs pretty loud. I think I got funny looks. Later I worked out that I have travelled somewhere in the region of 100 miles today! It cost a total of £4.90.

Other things I did today: put way too much cornflower in the white sauce for my dinner; dropped my comb in the toilet. Also Alice was going to stay tonight but then it turned out she couldn’t! At the time I was disappointed but from the events of the evening it seems to have been a smart move.

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About Sam Thursfield

Who's that kid in the back of the room? He's setting all his papers on fire! Where did he get that crazy smile? We all think he's really weird.
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